No it's not another offer of telephone sex, and it's not a offer of marriage either... this is nipple piercing in the extreme, a case of getting to the point

When you've reached my age and been round the block as many times as I have, or round the world as often -to quote those cute chart-toppers Rent-Boys-U-Like -and an opportunity to add an extra angle to the somewhat predictable procedure of sex or a new accoutrement becomes available which further contributes to the aesthetic beauty of one's maidenhood or manhood, well, the most natural thing to do is to grab it with both hands and give it a whirl. In spite of last year's much-publicised Spanner trial, the sex crimes case that had nothing to do with your tool box, and the status of body piercing at the moment which is so hip it hurts, the practice of genital piercing, or shoving bits of metal through your most sensitive and favourite bits, for some reason has remained pretty much marginalised. I can't imagine why because, believe me, for a few seconds of pain it's worth it, you get your investment back multifold.

I first got myself 'done', or had a surgical steel ring closed and weighted down with a ball bearing pierced through my clitoral hood that's the bit of skin which protects the clit about14 months ago. Though it wasn't an entirely new area for me, as two long-term boyfriends were both pierced, it's a different matter entirely when you're the one who's having a lump of metal shoved through your main source of pleasure. However, nothing would stop me from going through with it as I'd heard too many testimonials swearing that orgasms are bigger, better, faster, more with a piercing. Having known quite a few people with piercings over the last 10 years, mostly men with Prince Alberts (ie: queers or Psychic TV fans) and one woman, I went along to see Teena at her Into You piercing centre.

Surrounded by blown-up pin-ups of giant clits, vulvas and cocks on the walls, I was more excited than nervous. Teena, an American crusty who has become the Queen Piercer of London over the last year since she pierced the navels of supermodels like Christy Turlington and our Naomi, was gentle and efficient, taking me through the process step by step -I had hardly any gyno-flashbacks at all.

The actual instance of being skewered was over in a second, literally, and the sensation was more like having a screw-in earring twisted tight against the flesh than pain. As she had warned me I did feel quite strange immediately afterwards, almost high. Apparently, it's common for freshly initiated piercees to burst into tears or giggle uncontrollably. I remember floating along the road, feeling very special, gloating covertly over 'my secret' and looking at the straight passers-by thinking 'ooh, if only they knew!' It felt sore for about seven days and I bathed it with salt water until it was healed two weeks later. Sex was recommended only with a condom until the healing was complete but I couldn't manage to wait longer than four days before I had to try it out with a ceremonious wank. Satisfaction is always guaranteed when you do a job yourself but it seemed to me that the boat did rock more than usual, though it could have been psychological, of course. Not only had the lure of heightened sexual feelings encouraged me to get pierced but equally pleasurable was the sheer prettiness of a gold ring embedded in ruby flesh with its little shiny, gold pearl peeking out between soft pale lips. I kept my snatch dethatched permanently after that.

For the next three weeks I continued to feel special, incredibly feminine -the quimtessenceof womanhood and female sexuality -plus my cunt was on my mind 24 hours a day (no different than usual) and on my lips, the facial ones that is, because I just had to tell people that I'd had it done, partly for introductory purposes but also because it's a great gobsmacker.

Then one day, late afternoon, I realised I hadn't thought about it at all since the morning and, thereafter, I forgot about it. The honeymoon period over, irritations set in, mainly because the hardness of the surgical steel running through my flesh made frottage really uncomfortable. After two months I had it taken out. However, I missed it a lot over the following year as my erotic imagination came up with all sorts of fun and games I could have had with my ring if only I'd persevered, so, four months ago, I went back to Teena and had myself re-pierced.

The change in Teena's fortunes was spectacular. On the occasion of my first piercing, it had been carried out in a shabby work unit. Just over a year on and Into You had moved into plush new premises paid for by navel and nose piercings. Despite the fact that piercing has become mega-trendy, fashion victims draw the line at the bellybutton; as with the glass ceiling, this is their glass bottom -no meddling with the front bottom. Teena has pierced almost all the celebs, but all above the water line, apart from former Frankie Goes to Hollywood member Paul Rutherford who is, "As you'd expect -pretty hardcore". All the rest won't go further than their navels; it's a fashion statement, nothing more. So it is unlikely there's going to be a rush on Labial Chic.

Again, it was over very quickly but, God, it hurt, because she had to push through scar tissue. I took the same amount of time to heal and there were no problems. All I had to do was slightly modify my masturbation technique and, abracadabra, another satisfied customer.

Men seem to like it too, though they tend to label you as 'kinky' which usually translates into 'sexy bitch'. Let's be honest, they love it, even if quite often it scares the pants off them, which is the original intention anyway. It works the other way too -men with polished hardware stapled ~ through their love muscle seem to exercise it more, are more adventurous and pay greater attention to detail, if you get my drift, my two boys with the Prince Alberts rating a near nine on the Richter scale of earth-moving. A Prince Albert -named after Victoria's consort who had his penis pierced so it could be held down, thus reducing VPL (visible penile lump) which threatened to ruin the line of the fashionably tight trousers they wore in those days -is a surgical steel ring closed with a ball bearing, about the same size and thickness as a curtain ring, going down the urethra and out through a hole which is pierced at the side just beneath the glans. It seems to be unanimous that a PA intensifies a man's orgasm and, according to my boyfriends, it's not too painful and heals very quickly because of the major blood supply. Having one provides a brilliant chat-up line -I remember I met my first b-f with a PA 10 years ago through a well-known DJ who had told me about this bloke he knew with a ring through his cock. I didn't believe him until, later that night at a club, some dirty-looking Hell's Angel 'I wannabe introduced himself and tried to introduce his willy too. This smooth-talking ladies man was Mark Manning who metamorphosed into Zodiac Mindwarp; he spent the whole night chasing me round the club trying to show me his Prince Albert which I refused to look at. Of course, after a week or so, I succumbed eventually -the start of a long and beautifully sordid romance.

According to Teena, many women say they prefer the Prince Albert for sex though I can't really feel much difference because it gets pushed against the head upon penetration anyway. Personally, I would like to try an ampallang which is a metal rod pierced
through the head of the penis, with a large ball-bearing on either side. It is said to be particularly good at stimulating the G-spot and is very popular with Indian women, though apparently some English and American women have complained that it hurts.The main attraction of male genital piercing for me is the aesthetic factor -they are visually very pleasing in an area where men need all the help they can get. I never thought I'd be able to call anything of Zodiac Mindwarp's 'pretty'. Women, on the other hand, are much nicer to look at, being tidy, self-contained (apart from a few exceptions such as Essex girls and superannuated porn stars with pussies like badly-opened tins of cat meat) and don't forget clitoris means 'flower' in Greek. And the disadvantages? Well, try not to get one rattling against your fillings...